Depleted, but Walking by Faith
Losing Justin took so much from all his family and friends but I can only tell about my experience and journey. I was depleted and basically wanted God to take me because the pain was so bad. I was depleted and felt like emotionally and internally, I had nothing left. I lost Justin, the hope and dreams for him, our family and myself died along with him. The Sandy that existed before no longer did. In an instant, everything you knew has changed or doesn’t exist.
About six months earlier, I rededicated my life to Jesus and was reading the Bible and devotionals. My faith and knowledge in the Word was getting stronger and with losing Justin, that faith was definitely going to be tested and was. Why didn’t God stop this? He definitely is capable!
I have been asked if I was angry at God. I have to be honest and say I was for a short moment. How could this happen to young man that helped where he could and be there for others? How can this happen to someone that chose to do good. Chose to do honorable things and take up for those that couldn’t stand up for themselves. Who chose to stop conflict with his kind words and sense of humor? How can such an evil act end this kindness and laughter here, on earth? So, yes, I was angry but I also began to see His blessings and comfort.
One of my favorite Christian artists is Jeremy Camp and was familiar with his testimony about his journey of losing his wife, Melissa. Out of this loss, he wrote a song, “Walk by Faith.” If you have never heard this song, you should. The lyrics of this song really hit hope because I had a choice I had to make and I knew that I could not do this on my own, I had to lean on the Father.
It had gotten so bad that I couldn’t even pray. All I could do is say, “God, you know my heart and I need you.” Thankfully, He put many people in my life that would pick me up and be there for me. You can not go through this alone. I chose to walk by faith without understanding why this happened to Justin and us.
Without His Grace and having good, positive people in my life, I couldn’t have made it through court trials, appeals, emotional trauma, PTSD and trying to be there for Jake, Dakota and Mark. We, or anyone else who have lost a child, will never “get over ” the loss but I have learned that I have so many wonderful blessings in my life that I wasn’t depleted and Justin wouldn’t want me be, I am his mom and so very thankful.
Please look for the blessings, even though it is hard on some days, and get help when needed. You are loved and your loved one wants you to live a life with joy and love.
